Risky Business Kiddos
There is one in every family, the one who is a risky business kind of kid. Two of our children had a healthy fear of consequences that guided them away from potentially dangerous choices. These intuitive kids make parenting easy. But our first, was anything but. Our first, who is my co-founder and sweet oldest baby, Chelsea, was an absolute pistol as a kid. A real boundary buster: fast, fearless, loved life, and was always ready to try anything.
She hated anything girly, never played with dolls, and was most often doing something she was not supposed to be doing. She disliked regular toys and more often preferred to be outside exploring or inside creating some sort of science experiment with things from my pantry or fridge.
It wasn’t just that she just pushed the boundaries; she was downright risky and sometimes outright dangerous. She climbed too high, rode too fast, and talked to any stranger that came along. I felt like my job as a mom was to run constant interference to prevent her from getting hurt.
But here is the thing...
As a family therapist, I know that risky little kids actually possess a wonderful life skill. Risky kids often grow up to accept challenges and ignore the prevailing opinion of those around them, and thus stay true to their passions. They tend to look at barriers to success with a healthy problem solving capacity and ignore fear. A risky boundary tester at age 7 can grow up to be the only one in the room of professionals who asserts, “I can do that,” when the rest of the room says, “That’s too risky.” This is exactly the kind of life trait that leads to changing the world.
I knew I didn't want to change her personality, her fire, her desire to eat life and experience any opportunity without second guessing herself. But I did want her to actually live through childhood.
Can any of you relate to having a kid like this and parenting challenges like this?
Here are a few suggestions in parenting a risky business kind of kid:
1. Accept them for who they are.
Every child is its own little snowflake and not like anyone else. Risky boundary testers don't have much fear for the word no or consequences. You need to be there to guide them of course, but foster their independence and spirit, listen to them, and at times say yes to their crazy ideas. Before you reflexively say no, think about it. Is it really so bad to let your child do something completely outside of the box? If they want to build a fort rather than quietly play with Legos, go for it.
2. Don’t be afraid to just say no without explanation.
You are the parent and most often you know what’s best, so own it. Sure, using our words to explain why we made a decision can be educational for your child, help you further your bond, and establish yourself as a knowledgeable loving expert. But don’t get caught up in long, drawn out explanations every time you make a decision. If something they want to do is clearly dangerous, just say no and move on.
“Mom, can I cut Joey's hair a bit? It is getting long and I think I can make it look great and she says she doesn't care.” NO!
“Can we sit on the roof and watch the stars tonight?” Absolutely not.
“Mom, I am gonna start the bonfire outside like Daddy does with the lighter, ok?” HARD NO!
Too many parents get caught up in thinking it is bad to just say no. But kids need to hear no, hear it often, and parents need to mean what they say. Saying no is actually how kids learn to deal with disappointment, respect authority, and problem solve barriers that come up. I think I repeated about a million times, “Just NO Chelsea.” She learned to stop the barrage of “why’s” and instead she would often shrug and switch gears, sometimes to an equally ridiculous idea but sometimes to a healthy choice.
3. Back off and appreciate the power of natural consequences.
This is a tough one because your kid may get a bit banged up. But sometimes they can be so full of pride for trying and accomplishing something new, even if it means they fail or get a little hurt. Saying no constantly can stifle a child's curiosity to explore and take command of their environment. If you over-structure a kid's life and never let them play outside the box, it doesn't take long to have a kid who never wants to be outside of the box. Risky kids may end up with a few more bumps and bruises, but they are also learning to love life and think for themselves.
4. Reinforce healthy choices.
Sometimes a child can adjust their risky choices to be safe and exciting at the same time. For example, they might say something like, “Ok, I will jump off the diving board at the pool, but the lower one first.” When you see your child make a healthy choice, tell them you noticed and let them know that you think that was a great choice.
While parenting a risky business kid can have its ups and downs, be thankful you have a child who is willing to forge their own path in life. By being a supportive, caring, and nurturing parent, you can help them become fiercely independent while also helping them learn how to safely navigate this world.
