There is no greater feeling for a parent than when they witness their child achieve a goal. Like when they take their first step, ride a bike, ace a test or maybe, after hours of pitching balls in the backyard, they finally get a hit in the game. These are the golden moments of parenting and they fill us with joy. They make our hearts swell with pride especially since we know that for most of these accomplishments, we had a hand in their getting there.
But let’s get real. Not all parent moments give us this golden moment feeling. Sometimes parenting is boring, thankless and it can take a long time before you see the actual rewards of your effort, if at all. Table manners are one such example. Sure, using a napkin and taking small bites may not be what first comes to mind when you think golden moments. But here’s the deal; table manners are important to me and are a great example of how long some skill-building takes to really become set in a child’s repertoire.
I have no idea why it is that sweet little boys turn into complete cavemen when they grow into teens. I suppose it has to do with how fast their little bodies grow into big bodies and their appetite suddenly demands a gigantic number of calories. But, from the time my son moved from the highchair to the table, I spent over a decade directing and reminding him how to eat like a civilized human being. Over and over he heard the same story: “sit up straight” - “use your napkin,” “smaller bites”-“don’t talk with your mouth full.” Literally, he heard these messages every night, thousands of times. For over a decade, I watched his napkin crumple at his feet, again and again, I just didn’t see the payoff.
One holiday, I caught a glimpse of my teen son excitingly telling his Aunt Cathy about his latest basketball game in great length as he was shoving massive amounts of roast beef into his wide-open mouth. With a shockingly overstuffed, half-masticated mouthful he continued to detail the highlights of the game, pausing his story momentarily to loudly slurp a half glass of milk and wipe his greasy hand on his shirt rather than use his napkin, which of course was laying crumpled under his feet. From the slack-jawed look of astonishment on Aunt Cathy’s face, I surmised she was less impressed by his prowess on the court as she was astonished that any human being could possibly stuff that much food into their mouth without choking to death. As I watched this exchange from across the room I again wondered if he would ever get it.
Because I am a glutton for punishment, I had no other alternative than to stay the course, I continued to correct my son‘s absent table manners, over and over, with little success.
Then one day a few years later, my son announced that he would like to bring a girl over for dinner. This was a first, and although I was excited to meet his first girlfriend, I have to admit that I was a bit nervous about how it was going to go. I contemplated making something small or soft, like maybe spaghetti. But realized that I was being ridiculous, especially since spaghetti could go wrong too. So, I made dinner and we just jumped in.
And then it happened. Right then and there. Right in front of me. As we enjoyed our dinner and got to know Haley, my son sat up straight, took small civilized bites, and used his napkin that sat folded in his lap. He engaged in polite conversation, never talked with his mouth full, and even helped clear the table. I couldn’t have been more proud.
I realize that most people wouldn’t think of this as a golden parental moment, I don’t think my husband even realized what happened. But for me, it was as golden a moment as could be. Not because my son used basic table manners, but because for me, I realized in that moment, that a decade of parenting my kid in how not to eat like a pig, finally paid off. It took forever, but we were finally there.
So, today’s blog is not about providing any tips or recommendations for doing anything different but rather a simple shout-out to all the moms doing the mom things that no one notices without thanks or a payoff (in some cases) for a whole childhood. For those moms I say, hang in there, mama!
