Does Tough Love Work?

A few weeks ago a teen and his parents came to my office for a preliminary therapy appointment.   The parents indicated that their concerns were that their teen was sarcastic and angry and although he was capable of good grades, he was failing several classes.  When it was time for the teen to describe his position, he explained that he was always in trouble, constantly grounded to his room, and that his parents had decided that he couldn’t be ungrounded until after a good report card next fall. 

So given that this kid endured a pandemic, lived through the worst academic situation in his life with remote learning, and was quarantined away from his friends and activities for over a year, these parents felt they were teaching a valuable lesson by keeping him in is room until sometime next fall.  It really is no wonder that this teen was angry.  He had every right to be furious.  His parents were being downright cruel.

I wish I could say that this level of cruelty was unique.  But far too many parents, in their effort to use tough love with their kids are far too tough and show far too little love. 

The underlying rationale of “tough love” is that parents need to be less lenient and tougher when guiding their children’s behavior.  Although it is true that parents need to be the authority for their kids, it is also true that we can be too punitive. Discipline should be about helping the child learn to make the right choice.  That’s it.  That’s all.  It is not an opportunity to provide pain or display anger.  You are guiding their choices.  Expectations need to be reasonable and consequences should be consistent and fair.  Punishments should be short and repeatable so kids have another opportunity to make the right choice.  Long groundings that go on for weeks or even months breed depression and only serve to destroy relationships between a child and their parent. 

Also, whatever form of discipline you use it is an absolute must to provide the discipline within the framework of unconditional love.  Your kids need to know that your guidance is to prevent their mistakes and that you do this because you love them.  You need to tell your kids you discipline because you love them.  They need to know this and be absolutely confident that they are the center of your life and that you always have their back.  When kids feel this in their skin, they will work hard to make the right choices. Parenting kids is an awesome responsibility with tremendous reward.  Don’t miss the best part of life by over punishing your kids.